FIVE

I'm sorry... after awhile, let me sleep by your name

The passing days drew us closer
The pain is matched with joy.
Both hands reflect that
I cry when I think of you

-

So this is finally the day..
I know what I had say before but being honest, the last month has been kind of thorn
I miss u. Right now, without u it feels like I dont belong to anywhere and then he came back...


I spend a lot of days thinking... u know how that goes by, it started with a moment, simple words and then it kept growing.. one after one until everything seemed so... pointless? It was hard. almost like when we were in middleschool, just maybe. I didnt have any of that thoughts but then i realize you were not here anymore... it hit me, how u will never be here to hold me again.
Remember when u told me we were like cats? you should have told you were alrealdy on your last... because right now i spent my thirth so that lef me with more than half and I will have to save myself until i cant, nobody else could do that anyway because nobody would ever know me like you did. so its sad. you wasted your chances without even tell me... or maybe you were not a cat at all and i did not notice. I should had know... there is something wrong with my head but there was nothing wrong with yours. You were the sane one and I was the only cat. I am rambling
 
I had a lot of thoughts about you, about him, about me... much more about me, about what I was doing, about what i wanted, what I want... the things that I do and for what. about what i was doing with my life... the life that wasnt like i always dreamed. I was depressed but you know me, i have so much inner pride to let anybody else to know about it so I just kept thinking while smiling until i broke. Mati was so in time that nigth... poor thing. He was just calling to tell me something about Patrick and in the very first second he said "you sound sad"  I broke.. I vomited word after word and he listened until i was jus babbling and crying and more. He didnt say anything, his breathing made me feel at ease after a couple of minutes. Then we talked about the future and i went to sleep.
 
I was still thinking when he came back, we got back together... like we always do and then he told me... how good it would be if i went with him to Switzerland, just the two of us, and start over. Just the two of us living in a place where no one knows me, being happy... living in the way we always wanted. We´re both adults right now, we dont have the pressure we had when we were young and stupid and weak. we are strong now... or at least he thinks we are. And for a moment the whole idea seemed perfect. I knew I would be happy, we would be happy but that thing... it would only last as long as we were together... I would be happy because of him but then i thought... if i lose him just like i lost you... I wouldnt make it. The rest of my chances would just consume like fire. I love him. I think I will always do but he is my weakness. If I stay too close I will burn myself and is the same for him, we are just not made for each other no matter how hard we try. So I told him and he left tonight, he was hurt. he was sad... because he knows that all I said to him was the truth. I told him to stop coming back... he said he would stop. He said the same the last year. He cried. We both did it.
 
And now im here. thinking again. I just dont want to get old, Its sad and i want to be happy. I will save my money.. two or three years and then i will get out of here, i dont know where.. I´ll just go. I dont know if i will come back. i dont think I´ll do or maybe I will, maybe I just wont be the same. I am goin to earn money and do all the things I want. I dont think I will fall in love hard enough to commit with someone so I dont think I will have kids. I wont let anyone to take away what is mine,  nobody... not even "god". and then .. on my 70 birthday i will write a letter to everyone I care, i will let them know how happy I lived, how happy I was. I will set my things, send the letters and Im going to sleep. I wont wake up.
I will leave by myself and it will be my choice. I will stop being a cat and maybe i will see you again. maybe not. I dont believe in reincarnation or hell or heaven, maybe i will die and thats it, but I will make sure I will die happy.
 
I wish you were here, you always new what i needed so maybe you could tell me if all i wrote is okay, or if my head is worse thant we thought. Honestly I feel better, today was not the best day but i am ok. Now that I know what I am going to do for the next 40 years I am good. And tomorrow is a special day and the real the first day of my year.
 
I really miss u my dear.